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Ranch Page

Pictures from yesterday are up!!!

I have my favorite 59 shots from the shoot yesterday up on my facebook fan page, and my best 3 spazy shots on my personal page. It was a lot of fun, and well worth the time it took. Website to be updated soonish.

Isla's Birthday

This day a year ago, I reaped the consequences of my actions. I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl who I knew I would be giving up for adoption. She meant the world to me, and letting her go was easily the hardest thing I have ever done. It was also the first time I thought to do what was right for anyone other than me for God's glory.

     The decision to give Isla up was not made overnight. I knew that abortion was not an option. I have never believed it, nor do I believe there is ever a circumstance that condones it. Moreover, I wanted my daughter. She was a piece of myself. I knew what was involved with raising a child. I took care of four of my younger siblings as a child for reasons that no longer matter. The point is, I wanted to be my daughter's mother. But the funds were not there for a child.

     I wasn't done with school, nor was her father. Neither of us was working. A baby deserves more than what we would have been able to give her. She would always have done without.

I knew this intellectually, but when it came down to it, I still struggled to choose what I knew to be right for her. I prayed to God. I think that might have been my first prayer in which I ever sought God's will before my own. I begged Him to show me what He wanted for her. My answer came in the form of an e-mail from the people who would become her parents. Much as it killed me to realize that I was going to have to give her up, I knew just how excited these people were for a child of their own, and I knew that they could give my daughter a far better start to life than I ever could.

     I gave her everything I could during the pregnancy. Everything I did was with her in mind. Would it hurt her, or would she be alright if I did this? Would it benefit her if I did that? Everything became about her.

So, when she was born, there was no doubt in my mind that she was going home with the people I had gotten to know over the past several months. Signing away my parental rights felt like I was giving away something more precious than oxygen. She was my life. And I was willingly giving her up.

I cried myself to sleep that night. I have never known a loss like this before or since. I felt so empty. As if everything I had done over the past few months had brought me nothing. Little did I know just how much it had done.

     The next few months were rocky with my boyfriend. I found out some things about him that I never wanted to know, and though I claimed I would never leave him, I gave up on everything we had once had. I dated two of my best friends, and messed things up even worse than before.

Several months later, in April of this year, I wound up with nowhere to go, and no one to turn to. I had been attending church, and I asked the class to do what they could to help me. I was fairly certain that I had totally burned the bridge between me and my family, so I never even thought to talk to them.

God had a plan, though. I called them up out of total desperation. They took me in. We have had our fights, but I stayed in church. For once, there was a constant thing in my life.

     One of the leaders in the class led a Tuesday night book study called "What Makes A Healthy Church Member?" One of the topics covered in it is true conversion. We broke down that that really meant. I realized then that I wasn't saved. Although I was no longer living with guys, I was still living in unrepentive sin against my family, and I was refusing to serve the Lord. I was so disrespectful to my mother and my aunt. The very people who were giving me shelter were the ones I lashed out at.

     The group leader taught me about asking for forgiveness. I had to swallow my pride. I asked for their forgiveness, and I begged God to give me the desire to serve Him that I lacked. I have been blessed beyond measure. That prayer was answered. My passion is now for Him. Everything else comes second.

What I mean to say is that were it not for the adoption showing me what it was to seek God's will wholly and the circumstances that followed leading me to repentance and reconciliation, I would still be as lost now as I was when I conceived my daughter out of wedlock. I am still a filthy, horrid sinner. But by God's grace and mercy, I have been granted forgiveness in His son. I did nothing to deserve it. I can do no good apart from Christ because all of it was self-centered until I started chasing Him instead. This was absolutely a blessing for everyone involved, even though the consequences of my sin brought hurt, it also brought immeasurable joy for a family without a child, and salvation for my lost soul.

I have a confession to make.

Actually, I have lots of them. First and foremost, I need prayer because my pride is becoming a HUGE issue again. It's coming out in all sorts of different ways, but the bottom line is the pride. Also, I am asking for wisdom, discernment, and a taming of the tongue. I am far too impulsive with my speech. I know this is a lengthy list, but I would really appreciate it if you guys would pray when you think of it.
     My second confession is that I have decided that I do indeed want a family more than I care about continuing on to college. I love children. I am finally at a place emotionally and spiritually where I am alright with seeking a mate. Above all else, I really feel that the Lord may have delayed my schooling for this very reason. Time will tell what God's will is, but I will be patient and see what He has to say on the matter. Either way, it is high time I got my life on track.

Busy Busy

I went to the most awesome Wednesday night event ever. Until the first Wednesday of next month. I am not referring to artwalk. No. This event begins at 8:00 PM on the Mainstage of the Jacksonville Landing. A good friend of mine walks around with a microphone and has a great time being generally...entertaining. It is an all-ages event, and is totally kid-friendly for any concerned parents out there. I highly recommend going if you want a fun (and free) family outing. Basically, this is a group karaoke event, with special guest artists throughout the night. It is a great time for everyone who enjoys music and good clean fun.

Oopsie.

So, I brought home this turtle the other day. I didn't think about whether I would be allowed to keep it. I am staying with my aunt until my schooling is done, so I do kinda need permission for things like this. Anyway, I am now looking for someone in Jacksonville, FL who wants (AND CAN CARE FOR) this turtle. I am calling it Enrique, and he's pretty cool. Really, the only thing is, I am not able to keep him, so... Anyway, if you want a turtle, or know someone who does, text me at 904-357-0651. I really need to find him a place ASAP.

Death to Self

I recently (last Sunday to be exact) decided I need to apply more effort to learning God's word. I asked one of the ladies in leadership to walk through the old testament with me. She seemed shocked. "The WHOLE THING?!" Yes. The whole thing. Not all at once of course. Bit-by-bit. She lent me her study bible. I am working through as best I can at the moment, but it is tough going. Still, I know I need this. A few minutes later, I asked one of the girls in the class who happens to be going on a missions trip what I could possibly do if I can't give financially. She gave me a list of things she could use. I then asked her where a person wanting to go on a trip like that would start. She gave me a list, then put me in contact with a woman in the class who has some in-town ministries she works with. The two of them gave me 2 books to read and study. After the service, I got yet another book to study. My growth in the Lord seems to be happening all at once.

     Last night, I got my donation box for the mission trip together. One thing that was requested was craft supplies. I had a box of colored pencils. I really wanted to keep them. For that reason, I had to give them. The people they will reach need them much more than I do. I can get more. They can't. I also realized how much time I spend on facebook, and that it promotes laziness on my part. I made a decision to forego it for one week, maybe more, depending. I have officially gone a day of that week. I am hoping that it will get easier as I go along.

     Anyway, all this is to say that I am being worked on quite a lot at the moment. It is exciting and exhausting all at once, but I am happy to be of use to the Lord, and I know that means some changes need to take place.

Hello Again

It's been so busy. Insanely busy. I hardly know where to begin, so I will start from a few Tuesdays ago.

      Tuesday, September 13, a woman from church went to the hospital with stroke-like symptoms and chest pains. The next day, and every day thereafter, I was at the hospital with her. She was diagnosed with MRSA and several tests were run, but nothing conclusive was determined during the week she was there. She was released on the 21st, and I made sure she made it home alright. That week took a toll on me. There was so much negativity pouring out of this woman. It got difficult to see her. More than once, I had to leave and collect myself. She got so angry for no reason. She also caused herself physical harm as a way of getting attention. It was terrible to be able to do nothing for her. Even now, I find it hard to think on the things I saw done then. I felt so helpless to help her.

     When she finally did get released, something in me was different. This past Sunday, I nearly lost my temper with her twice. I haven't lost my temper with someone in ages. I thought I had that well in hand, but this was like the old Sarah was back. I had to explain to her more than once that the things she was asking of me were not appropriate. Asking me to fail to uphold a commitment or to disregard the authority of my Sunday School class leaders was just too much. And I got verbally chewed out when I said as much. It was really ugly.

     And then there were more trials yesterday. Small things, totally innocent in intent were warped into some sort of personal attack. It was very nearly too much. As I was standing and getting cussed out, I tried to explain the innocence of my intentions. Praise the Lord for another member of my church coming to my rescue. He pulled me aside and encouraged me at just the right moment.

     Another friend of mine was hurt by something I had said, which was also taken in a way I didn't mean it. It was a difficult day. Thankfully, the Lord corrected me when I was wrong. All the sin is being taken from my life. One outstanding sin was brought to my attention, and in that moment, the Lord brought me to repentance and forgiveness. I am also being prevented from sinning. As I was frustrated over a slew of issues, and taking it out on a friend, I was corrected by the Lord through the friend who I had been having issues with. That correction caused me to turn on my heel to face the innocent bystander I was berating and ask his forgiveness. The Lord shut my mouth for me.

      I have to assume that all of this is preparing me for something. I have no clue what, but I have faith that God will work it all to the good of those who love Him, and since I love Him with all my heart, I have to believe that includes me in some form or another. At the moment, I am just grateful for the growth I have experienced during the past few weeks. I have seen major changes, and though the trials that brought me to it have put a strain on me, it is well worth it to be a better tool for the Lord. I have been doing physically demanding work the past couple of days, and I have been sick, but I am still His to do with as He wills. I am serving as best I can, and I feel blessed to do so.

      I am suspect that this all leading up to something great. I am ready to really roll up my sleeves and get busy working for the kingdom of God. I have been granted a desire to serve Him, and I have been trying in my day-to-day life, but none of it feels like enough. I have determined to really dedicate myself to learning His word as of Sunday. Up until recently, I was complacent with my vague grasp of the old testament, but I am now feeling quite convicted about it and trying to rectify that flaw. A woman from my Sunday School class is (Lord willing) going to be discipling me. I am so looking forward to learning. I am starving to know more of my God. The one true God. It is so exciting to be a part of this, even if it is the broken part that needs fixing.

     And did I mention that I may soon have a job? I am thrilled. I have to find out the details, but if the Lord allows, I will have a source of income very soon. I think He is opening up an opportunity to serve in new ways. Hopefully. I am so excited for all the changes occurring in my life. There is so much to be thankful for. Praise the Lord for all He is doing. Even in my struggles, He is faithful.

Old Idea Revisited

I have toyed with the idea of writing an autobiography for a few years. At first, it was a totally fictional version of some events that happened in my life. Sort of a fantasy spin on reality if you will. It has slowly warped into a non-fiction novel. I haven't done any work on it in years, but now seems to be the time to get it written. I know that I am not the coolest person ever, and my story may not mean anything to anyone, but I know that there is someone out there who needs the encouragement it can offer. To that end, I am motivated to write it all. The good, the bad, the mediocre. Be praying, if you wouldn't mind.

Just my two cents...

Sometimes we get so caught up with the things we don't have that we forget about everything the Lord has already given and done for us. It is remarkable that He has wrought so many changes in such a short time in my life, but as a sinful human who still has to struggle with her flesh, I have to fight the tendency to want more and want it now!
     Thank God for His mercy. I am so undeserving, but He loved me enough in the midst of my sin to pull me from it. If we come to him with a heart of contrition and appreciation rather than a heart of arrogance and entitlement, we would be much better servants for Him.