This day a year ago, I reaped the consequences of my actions. I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl who I knew I would be giving up for adoption. She meant the world to me, and letting her go was easily the hardest thing I have ever done. It was also the first time I thought to do what was right for anyone other than me for God's glory.
The decision to give Isla up was not made overnight. I knew that abortion was not an option. I have never believed it, nor do I believe there is ever a circumstance that condones it. Moreover, I wanted my daughter. She was a piece of myself. I knew what was involved with raising a child. I took care of four of my younger siblings as a child for reasons that no longer matter. The point is, I wanted to be my daughter's mother. But the funds were not there for a child.
I wasn't done with school, nor was her father. Neither of us was working. A baby deserves more than what we would have been able to give her. She would always have done without.
I knew this intellectually, but when it came down to it, I still struggled to choose what I knew to be right for her. I prayed to God. I think that might have been my first prayer in which I ever sought God's will before my own. I begged Him to show me what He wanted for her. My answer came in the form of an e-mail from the people who would become her parents. Much as it killed me to realize that I was going to have to give her up, I knew just how excited these people were for a child of their own, and I knew that they could give my daughter a far better start to life than I ever could.
I gave her everything I could during the pregnancy. Everything I did was with her in mind. Would it hurt her, or would she be alright if I did this? Would it benefit her if I did that? Everything became about her.
So, when she was born, there was no doubt in my mind that she was going home with the people I had gotten to know over the past several months. Signing away my parental rights felt like I was giving away something more precious than oxygen. She was my life. And I was willingly giving her up.
I cried myself to sleep that night. I have never known a loss like this before or since. I felt so empty. As if everything I had done over the past few months had brought me nothing. Little did I know just how much it had done.
The next few months were rocky with my boyfriend. I found out some things about him that I never wanted to know, and though I claimed I would never leave him, I gave up on everything we had once had. I dated two of my best friends, and messed things up even worse than before.
Several months later, in April of this year, I wound up with nowhere to go, and no one to turn to. I had been attending church, and I asked the class to do what they could to help me. I was fairly certain that I had totally burned the bridge between me and my family, so I never even thought to talk to them.
God had a plan, though. I called them up out of total desperation. They took me in. We have had our fights, but I stayed in church. For once, there was a constant thing in my life.
One of the leaders in the class led a Tuesday night book study called "What Makes A Healthy Church Member?" One of the topics covered in it is true conversion. We broke down that that really meant. I realized then that I wasn't saved. Although I was no longer living with guys, I was still living in unrepentive sin against my family, and I was refusing to serve the Lord. I was so disrespectful to my mother and my aunt. The very people who were giving me shelter were the ones I lashed out at.
The group leader taught me about asking for forgiveness. I had to swallow my pride. I asked for their forgiveness, and I begged God to give me the desire to serve Him that I lacked. I have been blessed beyond measure. That prayer was answered. My passion is now for Him. Everything else comes second.
What I mean to say is that were it not for the adoption showing me what it was to seek God's will wholly and the circumstances that followed leading me to repentance and reconciliation, I would still be as lost now as I was when I conceived my daughter out of wedlock. I am still a filthy, horrid sinner. But by God's grace and mercy, I have been granted forgiveness in His son. I did nothing to deserve it. I can do no good apart from Christ because all of it was self-centered until I started chasing Him instead. This was absolutely a blessing for everyone involved, even though the consequences of my sin brought hurt, it also brought immeasurable joy for a family without a child, and salvation for my lost soul.
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